Wants and Needs

Whenever I have a conversation about kids it's usually about their whiny-ness.

It doesn't always start off that way, but it kinda ends up talking about how much 'suffering' it takes the parent to bring up a little child.

So I went on a quest to equip myself better on this topic, since it seems to get to just about anybody- from children themselves to single people, childless couples, and couples with kids.

And here's what I found.

Children/babies/everyone are born as nothingness. There is really nothing in a baby's mind, take it as a blank, empty sheet. (This is why babies cry. Because they have nothing and come with nothing, everything seems scary).

And then we have parents. And this is what parents are for- to fill up the empty spaces and pages in a child's heart and mind with love and guidance, and hopefully happy, fulfilling memories.

Babies can't talk, or at least they can't verbalize their needs in a language we understand.

So they end up making irritating noises.

Some believe they were designed to irritate the parent because it actually acts as a way to grab the parent's attention. Imagine if everyone was ok with whining. Needs will not be met, because how would you know if a baby was hungry if it didn't cry? Or how would you know the right way to guide a child that throws unacceptable tantrums if they didn't do so in the first place? How would you show a child to distinguish between right and wrong behaviour if they didn't misbehave in the first place?

There is always a reason a child whines and cries. There is always a need to be met, if all needs are met you have a happy, fulfilled child who can be on their own for a little while. But the world is a scary place, imagine having never seen something and suddenly it all comes on you at once. Like as if someone took you from where you are at the very moment and placed you in a whole new country, with a different language, culture, and way of life. A clingy child is an insecure child, there are some emotional needs that have not been met, either for the day, or for the week, or never have been. And I think this because all babies are whiny in one way or another, and it is nearly impossible to meet all their needs all the time. (phew, gimme a break!)

Put an adult in that position and you'd know what I mean. Imagine if all your needs were met. You feel loved, have someone to talk to, something to love, something to entertain you, and your stomach is happy, you will at least feel a little satisfied. Or if you have an understanding parent who spends a lot of quality time with you, constantly telling you how much you've grown and how they are so proud of what you've achieved. An encouraging dad, a mother who gives lots of hugs and listens when you need her to. Now won't you feel happy and loved?

The same goes with babies, they're human too!

The main difference being children need to be guided with much care as the empty pages of their lives fill up with memories, different emotions, like love, joy, grief, sadness. Yes, it includes sadness and bad memories.

A child needs to be taught how to experience bad memories and how to grieve. For example, someone fell from the stairs when they were learning to walk. Mom leaves the child to cry as she believes this would make the child stronger and more independent. In the short term it seemed so but as the child grew up, he became terrified of heights. This fear of heights turned into something so severe it interfered with his social life, and so on and so forth. This is a child that has not been taught how to handle negative emotions. On the other hand, a child who loves dogs and got bitten badly by a big dog, carefully consoled and situation explained may probably grow up to continue her love for dogs- knowing that one bite from one particular dog does not mean all dogs will bite her.

Having said that, I believe the way a child is brought up also depends on his/her personality. God is fair, so he only gives us personalities of our kids that are of ours and our partners. Hooray! (not!) Hard enough to tolerate each other, right? :P Some children need more care and guidance, some need more time spent and some are just born naturally 'independent'. However a personality of a child should never stand in the way of discipline and loving guidance.

Parenting is complex...I never expected it to be this complex.

It's not about how much you 'suffer' for a few years and then it will be over, as I've heard too many times, but it's a lifetime of love, care, guidance and discipline. The first four years of a child's life builds the foundations for the rest of their lives, the rest of the years just add to the experiences that shape them into the person they would be when they grow up.

Having read all this from various resources, I tell myself to work harder and be more loving.

I hope it will pay off one day, every mother only tries her best and wants the best for her babies.

My quest to find out more continues...the complexity of relationships is baffling.